Yesterday, I binged...

It wasn't really that bad, probably what most people would consider to be normal but to me, it was awful.

I've got a pretty good excuse though - my mum has to go back on chemo next week. She's been worrying about me a lot and last night she was stressing about my weight so I forced some food down for her. I hate eating for other people but the last thing my mum needs to be worrying about is me and my weight...and I hope one bad evening won't do too much damage.

I'd like to say, for her, that I'll be making the same efforts today but unfortunately I can't. When it comes to food and my weight, it's probably fair to say that I'm pretty selfish - if I can't live with my body looking fat, I can't spend my life trying to male it bigger especially for other people.

In other news, I weighed last night post binge, while full of food. I was 10kg lighter than what I was a few months ago, with nothing in my body so I do feel a little better about it.

I'm volunteering today, instead of going to work so that's good because if means I'm away from all the fatties and their endless cakes and biscuits.

Oh and I want to apologise for not commenting on your blogs more :( I don't really have a good excuse but I am sorry and hope to do some commenting tonight after my run xxx

Work...

I seriously hate my job.

My boss called me towards the end of my uni term asking of I wanted to come back to work. I said yes - with the economy in the state that it is, when jobS are scarce I didn't want to be picky and turn down a summer job that I needed.
I've been back three weeks now and it's been three long weeks of babysitting an office full of incapable idiots. These people have all worked there for a year and seem to know nothing; to say they're useless would be an understatement.

To make matters worse, they're all very overweight and apparently want to make me fat with them. I can't go through one day without people commenting that I'm oh so thin, there's nothing of me and how I have no ass. I hate people commenting on my weight. I didn't ask their opinions so why do they think it's okay?! They're constantly putting cake and chocolate in my face too... I've had to cut my lunch down to 20 calories, to give myself some slack incase I have to eat a chocolate. I can't drink nearly as much tea/coffee as I'd like because my milk/sugar calorie allowance is also fed into the fat fund, as I'll call it.
What is it with fucking fat people always having food and wanting to make everyone else eat with them?! Do I look like I fucking eat cake?!
/rant.

In other news, I went to the ballet at the weekend and it was AMAZING. I met the director of the Royal Ballet, which is a dream come true tbh.
I had two serious food-related panic attacks in London though. They were awful, really awful.

I've also gained two kilos :'(
I'm praying the gain will help me lose though, if that makes sense. My metabolism is rubbish so hopefully this will give it a boost to lose those two again and then another three or more on top of that.

I hope you're all well <3

Things are getting better at home. I'm eating a small breakfast, which I think I'm going to cut out again soon, I eat about 50 calories of lunch at work and then dinner is variable.

Yesterday I made myself a chicken stir fry as finished the day on around 400 calories max.

I hope I get a decent loss this week because I'll be upset if I don't!

I'm seeing the boyf today, as I only work a half day on thursdays, so that should be nice :)

I'm going to buy some new trainers and see if there's anyone I can speak to about an adult ballet class I want to join. I haven't danced in so long, but I'd like to join just to keep fit really! I'm also planning on swimming more and going to the gym regularly, on top of my daily exercises at home.

I think I've gained some muscle mass actually! My arms look much tighter than they did before! I'm scared of the number on the scale getting bigger with muscle though, which is why I need the gym.

Oh! I'm also buying a graduation dress today, for the ceremony on July 13th! I tried to find on on Sunday but didn't have much luck because everything was too big (yay) so wish me luck today lovelies!

Anyway, I'm talking about nothing... I'm really going to try to update here more though, hopefully with more interesting things to write about!

I'm feeling more and more unhappy lately... living at home means so much food and I really can't handle it right now. Just being around food is having a horrible effect on my moods.

I just need to die tbh...

Americaneaglelove - Thank you so much for always being so supportive darling. It means the world to me <3

I'm the worst blogger ever...

I'm the worst blogger ever! I downloaded an app for my phone (which I had to pay for) as an incentive to blog regularly...and I'm still rubbish.

Enough moaning though... On with the post!

This weekend has been crap to be quite honest. I've eaten so much, by my standards anyway. I'm pretty sure I haven't eaten excessively, but I can't be sure. Once I hit 600 calories the day was automatically a disaster and I basically binged. It wasn't really intentional, but I dunno I just sort of went a bit nuts I guess.
I hope I haven't totally undone my recent loss... I'm so close to my first goal that it hurts.

In other news, I started a handwritten journal to document the mess that's inside my head. Cut a long story short, I wrote a list of 101 reasons why I hate myself and then spent the rest of the night crying over it and hitting myself.

I'm beginning to think I might need some help and that stopping attending therapy (this was a few months ago) was a bad idea. I think, when my bmi gets out of the fat zone and reaches my safe bmi (16) I'll consider seeing a doctor and seeing what help is available at home, now that I've left uni and am in a new (or old) city.

And work... I work full time now and I hate it. I got asked back to my old job which is really nice but I hate it so much. It's boring, lazy, mind-numbing work and everyone in the office is fat and wants to feed me. It's a real test of my willpower though and I love that! Turning down muffins from fat ladies all day and then picking at my salad at lunch time...gotta love it!

I really need to sort my gym membership out. I'm exercising more at home (in secret) but it's not enough!

Oh and last but not least... I confronted my mum about her constantly wanting to fatten me up. I pretty much lied through my teeth saying I must have lost through stress and crap and how I'm just going to eat and see what happens... Bull shit. I'm going to starve and exercise and take pills until my bmi is 16. I'll do whatever it takes to get this disgusting fat coat off! I also told her she was degrading me by insinuating that I couldn't take care of myself and I even cried... I hope this will throw her off until I'm thin!

Sorry I'm so rubbish!

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry, for not updating here in the last week (?). I'm aiming to do a proper update later, when I get home from work but here's a quick post while I'm sat at the bus stop...

I've been home less than a week and my parents are already on my back about my weight loss. I passed out on Sunday night, because my iron is really low...mum wanted to take me to A&E but I refused and won't even be going to the doctor.
My parents are blaming this on my weight, but it's not related at all. I'd need to be thinner to be having blood problems...

Anyway, I'm now working at a hospital on the other side of the city, from where I live. I wanted to improve my cycling so I could cycle to work but my dad didn't think I wanted my bike so he sold it while I was away...
I get paid quite well though and as I have my house security deposit back, along with half this term's student loan and bursary (I finished uni in week 5, but the term is actually 10 weeks), I've got quite a bit of spare cash. As a result, I'm going to buy some new trainers at the weekend, join a gym and try to join an adult ballet class. I need to get fitter because right now, I feel like a fat blob. AND my parents are trying to make me gain weight. That's just not happening and if they keep pushing it, I'll just have to move out.

To keep my parents quiet, last night I ate a normal dinner...well sort of. They had chicken, rice and veggies. I ate most of the chicken breast and all the veggies. I left all the rice.
I maintained last week because I upped my calorie intake to help me study (it doesn't feel like it was worth it though). This week, I was desperate to lose but I just don't see it happening at this rate.

Currently, I eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast (hate. Need to get some porridge), a small salad for lunch (which I'm going to start throwing away) and a portion of whatever crap is for dinner. I would flat out refuse dinner but I want to lose more before my parents force me to see someone. I don't need doctors or therapists messing with my head and trying to make me fat.

They all want to keep me a fat joke. They need someone to laugh at and that someone is me...well not anymore. I'm not staying fat for them. No. No. No.