I feel like I've been so off track lately.

I've been forcing myself to eat more to help me through my exams - they've all been three hours long, and they take a lot of concentration.

However, I had my last exam today. It's all over, so now I can focus on getting skinny, yay! And I can focus on supporting all of you lovely people too!

I'm thinking of fasting tomorrow, but I'm not 100% sure yet.

I'm going out tonight to celebrate finishing my degree, and then driving home tomorrow. My mum's going to drive my car though, so I don't need to eat to concentration or anything...

Maybe I won't fast, but I'm definitely not eating breakfast. I might have a bit of salad around lunch time - about 50 calories - and then pray I don't have to eat much when I get home to my parents house.

Being back home is going to be hard...

Sorry for being so rubbish!

Firstly, I want to apologise for being such a rubbish blogger and for not replying to all your lovely comments.

So, an update...

I've been trying to eat a little more for the last few days; partly to try to wake my metabolism up a bit and partly to help me concentrate on revision a little better. I don't think I've gained any weight but I doubt I'll be losing too much this week as a result of the slight increase in calories.

Today, I'm switching back down to 500 or less because frankly, eating more is driving me crazy. I feel so dirty when I eat more - does anyone else get like that?

Also, eating more seems to exhaust me which is weird I guess. Anyway, today, I'm planning to have:

- small portion of porridge (~80 calories)

- small salad for lunch, possibly (~50 calories)

- salad with baked white fish (200 calories?)

I've already had the porridge, and despite being a small bowl, it took me an hour to eat so it's not 11.30am and so lunch is looking unlikely. That said, my metabolism has definitely picked up because I've been getting so hungry these last few days and that never happens! So maybe I will be hungry for lunch? Actually though, there's no way I'm eating anything before 1pm, as I've only just finished breakfast and then I'm not going to eat after 1 because by then, I might as well stick it out for dinner, so yeah, I think lunch is off the cards.

My boyfriend is starting a new diet today - he's eating 5 meals a day, up to 1800 calories-ish. I'm not really happy about it tbh, because he's tall and has quite a muscular build and I really don't think 1800 calories is enough, especially when he's only trying to get a couple of inches off his tummy (he literally has no fat anywhere else). I'm such a hypocrite though - here I am stressing about him eating 1800 and I'm planning to eat less than 500?

Ahhhh. My head is such a mess right now. I just want to lose this weight. I feel so fat and disgusting...

Competition weigh in, Week 2

I'm down 2 lbs, from 133 to 131.

I'm pleased because a loss is a loss, but I'm a bit annoyed that it's not more...

The last couple of days, I've eaten a lot more than I usually do and as a result, I'm quite bloated again. I'm not going to complain too much though because I think that eating more has actually been beneficial - I'm getting hungry again and that usually means my metabolism is better, so fingers crossed next week I can get to my first goal weight - 126lbs, which will put my bmi at 17.5... I doubt it though!

I'm not hoping for too much really, as my weight loss is really slow right now so I don't seriously expect to lose 5lbs in a week! It would just be nice :P

Next week, I have three exams, all three hours long, and lots of revision to do in between. Due to that, I doubt I'll be doing much exercise - aside from walking to and from the library.

In other news... I found an old diary from two years ago yesterday. I was starting some diet or other and weighed 148lbs... I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS EVER THAT BIG.

Seriously, my scales must have been out or something because that is just unbelievable. Thank god I'm not that huge now. Still big though. I just want to be 115 again because right now, I look like a whale.

Today, I was aiming for 300 calories, but I might go lower as I'm staying home to study. I had an apple for breakfast - roughly 66 calories - instead of porridge, so I saved about 40 calories there. I was gonna eat salad for lunch, but I'm replacing that with green tea/coffee - I'm not going anywhere so I don't need the extra energy - and then I'm having a tin of soup for dinner as I'm too lazy to make any from scratch. That soup is 165 calories for the whole tin; usually I only have half a tin, but I might have the whole thing, depending on how I'm feeling. I might be naughty and have stir-fry instead though... but whatever I eat, 300 is the absolute max.

Bad day!

I don't know why I didn't update yesterday - for some reason I thought I had! No worries, I'll update you about both days today...

So yesterday was really good. Ended on 291, and burned 80 which isn't too bad - it's better than nothing at all!

Today hasn't been such a good day. I went to the library to revise with a friend for our exams next week and just ugh... food. It's not like I've binged or anything, just had a lot more than I'm really comfortable with.

I don't normally eat lunch, as those of you who read my updates regularly have probably noticed. Today however, I couldn't get out of lunch. That would have been fine because I didn't eat breakfast, but then I came home and my boyfriend had cooked dinner. It's 7.20pm and I've eaten 800ish calories and only burned 160.

I feel too disgusting to go to the gym really, so I might work out at home a little in a few minutes. I'm trying to remind myself that a few higher calorie days aren't a bad thing because they'll help my metabolism in the long run... it just feels horrible :-/

I'm not sure whether to go to the library again tomorrow, as I imagine the same will happen again; though, if I take lunch with me then I won't have the frustration of trying to find food... and if I can get out of eating it, then I can eat it for dinner instead. And if not, I should be able to have soup/salad for dinner tomorrow with no problem...

It sounds silly, I'm just terrified of falling into another high calorie day. I feel like I've been doing terribly just lately for some reason.

I don't really set goal weights, but I sort of have an aim right now and it's only 6lbs away. I can't start getting fat now.

I think I will go to the library again tomorrow, but I'll make myself a salad - no more than 50 calories - and I'll do my best to get out of it if I can too. Urh...this is why I don't like to see people.

Comment Replies:

This is to everyone that comments on my blog...

Thank you all so much for your support <3 It really means a lot, especially on bad days when I'm feeling so disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm letting you all down by eating so much and burning so little today :(

Tomorrow I'll do better though, I promise! Wish me luck <3 Hopefully I'll keep under 300!

I hope you've all had a beautiful day! <3 <3 <3

Burned 200ish today, might go to the gym in a little bit though to improve that.

I've eaten almost 600 which is unacceptable. Tomorrow, I'm aiming to keep under 300. There's not really a good reason for that tbh, it just feels right. I'm going to have 100 in the morning for breakfast, then lots of tea and coffee and then a tin of soup for dinner.

How is everyone? I hope you've all had a great day!

xoxo

Feeling very sad tonight.

I feel like I've eaten tonnes... in reality it hasn't been that much, but the voice in my head is yelling about how it's too much. I just want to sit and cry really.

I'm supposed to be meeting a friend tomorrow to study together, but I don't want to eat lunch so I'm going to tell her I feel ill so I can go home.

Tomorrow will be better. Got to walk to campus and back to hand some work in, so whatever happens, I will get some exercise in.

I don't think I'm going to eat tomorrow. I'm too angry at myself. Don't really feel I should have eaten today tbh. Tomorrow will be a better day. I want to be happy tomorrow, no tears.

I have a feeling that today is going to be a miserable day...

I plan to clean the entire house, which wouldn't be such a big deal, but my boyfriend and I live with two other people and basically, they're both disgusting and messy and obviously don't understand the concept of cleaning up after themselves.

I'm just going to remind myself that:

a) Cleaning = exercise, so I'll be burning calories.

b) I move out in less than two weeks and I'll never have to see either of them again. YAY!

I'm feeling sort of mixed about going home. I'll be living with my parents again, for a while at least, which is fine, except they're quite protective about my eating habits and how much I exercise. I'll be out of the house most of the day anyway as I'll be working full time all summer, but still. I guess years of anorexia, relapse and recover will make people believe that you're incapable of looking after yourself.

Thank you all my followers who have been commenting on my various blog posts! Sorry I haven't really commented on yours - the last few times I've posted, I've just been making fleeting visits and haven't had a chance to properly read and go through commenting on entries, but I will today! :P

@JT - I don't really eat dairy honey, in fact, the list of things I don't eat is about as long as my arm haha! I have a dribble of milk in my tea/coffee (everyone says I might as well drink them black because I put so littlein), I have cereals and porridge made with water. I occasionally eat yoghurt, but rarely because too much dairy makes me really ill! I do LOVE soy products though... but I never buy them because I like them a little too much :P

I'm glad cutting the dairy is helping you get a flat stomach though!! Keep it up lovely!

@americaneaglelove - Thank you for your support honey! I really appreciate it! I'm so glad I started this blog, because it is so nice to have a little support network <3 I hope you have a great day!

Before bed update... Probably post again in the morning!

Feeling awful and fat right now :(

Spent about 4 hours walking today, didn't go to the gym because my legs were hurting terribly by the time I got home...but I think I'll go tomorrow! And I want to do some walking, at least, every day for the next two weeks.

I'd love to spend two weeks in the gym quite honestly, but I have my last few exams before I finish uni for good and I don't want to mess them up by being in the gym and not the library!

Finished today badly, on about 600 calories. I did burn a lot of calories walking today so my net will be much lower but I'm still not happy really, because most of those calories were consumed in junk form.

Tomorrow, I'll be having a bowl of Ready Brek for breakfast, no lunch and soup for dinner. I'm going to drink lots of green tea and fruity tea and coffee and if I do really well, I'll have a hot chocolate (37 calories) as an evening treat.

I'm giving up sugar for a while, starting tomorrow because I'm convinced I'd be losing more weight if I wasn't eating so many sweets.

Wish me luck lovelies! I want tomorrow to be beautiful <3

Good, GOOD morning!

I woke up this morning, had a shower and all that and decided to weigh again... I'm down another pound! YAY!

So I'm now at 132lbs! I'm so happy! Still got a way to go, but yay!

I'm trying to reintroduce breakfast to my diet, but not increasing my overall calories so let's hope I don't gain!

Today, I'm starting the day off with a bowl of Ready Break, made with water (108 calories)... I always make it up with a bit less, just to be on the safe side, so hopefully it's actually less than 108, but that's what I count it as regardless.

I'm going to have some of the soup I made yesterday for dinner and maybe some fruit, but I'm not sure about that.

Heading out to go watch my friend play rugby, so the walk there and back should burn at least 200 calories :)

@JT - Hah, I wish I looked good at this weight! I seriously look much bigger because I carry weight on my hips and bum... so I don't look as thin as I should. But I'm getting there :)

@Ullalexie - Thanks honey :) I'm just gonna try to stick to what I'm doing and hopefully I'll get the results! I can never seem to lose fast enough though, lol. I'm so impatient!

Have a great day everyone,

xoxo

Just a quick update...

Down only a pound this week. I'm a little disappointed, but I'm still bloated and I'm pretty sure I've got some period water weight right now too.

Oh well, at least it's a loss.

Finished today on 370ish calories. Probably a bit less, but I'm rounding things up a bit.

I made tomato, carrot and lentil soup tonight, all from scratch, and it was yummy and only about 79 calories per serving :)

I made quite a lot so I'll probably eat some of the leftovers tomorrow.

Feeling very fat tonight, and starting to get down because of it. I'm gonna go to bed before I get too upset. Trying to remind myself that 133lbs at 5'11 isn't that bad, but I hate it so much. I just want to get back to my low weight again... and not have anyone force me to gain again this time.

Good night lovelies. I hope everyone has a beautiful day tomorrow,

xoxo

Too much info in this post.

Yesterday went pretty well :)

I had a whole tin of soup and some bits out of the Graze box I mentioned yesterday. I ended up finishing the day on about 300 calories, which is fine. I went for a 2 hour walk too, which can only be good! An app I use on my phone says I burned 193 calories, so I'm happy with that.

I drank about 750ml of water, just plain water. I probably made it past 1l in green tea, but I'm not counting that!

Today, my boyfriend wants to have a barbecue so I'll probably have a Quorn sausage in a bun, and some salad? The sausages are only 60 calories, I may skip the bun though as I don't really eat bread.

I may go to the gym later, but if not, I think another walk is in order at least. I feel so lazy exchanging the gym for a walk though - if I spend 2 hours in the gym, I could burn 1000 calories, if I spend 2 hours walking, at most that's about 250?

Did I mention that I'm ridiculously bloated right now? It's horrific.

I'm drinking lots of coffee today, in the hope that I can get things moving (sorry tmi), without using laxatives. If this won't shift, I'm thinking of trying the Salt Water Flush... if anyone's tried it and had results, let me know!

I'm dreading weigh day tomorrow if my stomach is still all bloated out and awful.

But, that's enough moaning from me! I put up a couple of simple recipes yesterday, so if you haven't had a look, do! :P I'm going to be putting a lot more up in the near future, but I'm writing an essay and studying for exams right now, so don't have a lot of time to do them! And, on top of that, my housemate broke our oven last week and it's still not fixed :( so I can't experiment with any oven recipes until it's sorted or I'm back home!

I hope everyone has a great day today!

Yesterday.

I had a fairly good day yesterday. I had the yoghurt at lunch time, which I didn't think I'd manage. It took me an hour (maybe longer) to get through it, and by the time I'd finished it was warm and gross, but I finished it :)

I really didn't drink as much water as I should have - I did exactly what I said I wouldn't do, and drank an outrageous amount of tea instead. So, my aim for today is to drink more.

I've got on of those Graze boxes, with some lovely low cal stuff in it right now. The most naughty thing in it was some olives, so I shared those with my bf over dinner last night. Today, I'm left with fruit and rice crackers, so even if I pigged out and ate the whole thing, it wouldn't be a disaster.

If anyone is interested in getting one btw, let me know because I have a few vouchers that would get you a free box :)

My plan for today is snack on that if I need to, have a mug of green/apple tea if I get really hungry and then have a bowl of soup for dinner.

I can't be bothered to make soup from scratch today (I might change my mind later, as I feel like making a tomato and red pepper soup), so I'm just gonna have a tin. Usually I only have half a tin, but I think I'm going to try to have the whole thing later as it'll be my only meal of the day.

Oh and, I'm taking sea kelp supplements at the moment in the hope that it might help sort my metabolism out. My body seems to have just stopped processing anything :( I'm not really losing and (TMI) food just sits in my stomach for what feels like forever! If the tablets don't do anything for my metabolism, they're supposed to help with anemia too, so hopefully it'll help sort that out at least!

Comment Replies:

I think this is the done thing on blogger, that people reply to comments via their next entry (?) so here goes :P

@kes - I've got an app on my phone for sparkrecipes.com! The problem with that though, is a lot of the measurements are in cups and life is just so much easier when everything is in grams!! I swear by this website: BBC Good Food. I love to cook though, so I'll take recipes from pretty much anywhere and if something looks really good, I'll do the unit conversions just so I can make it!

@an♥nym♥us - It's such a small world! I only started this blog two days ago and already come across someone who lives in my city! WEIRD! I'd love to keep in touch (?), with you being so local!

@JT - I think I'm following you already hon, but I'll check and if I'm not I will! Good luck for today! I'm sure you'll do great!

I've only just got up really so I guess I haven't exactly started the day... but I'm going to post anyway!

I'm starting a little competition today (Click here), so hopefully I'll be able to do well with that.

I really don't think I'll win as my metabolism is awful, so I'm losing weight really slowly, but who knows! Maybe the pills I've got coming in the post will help?

I'm really motivated to just do well though - and by 'do well' I mean no binges. I don't really binge badly anyway, but as long as I keep to 500 or less, I'll be happy.

I've got a couple of questions for my followers so far (I hope there'll be lots more of you soon)...

Firstly, do you think it's a bad thing to screen all my comments?

I just assumed that there would be a handful of nasty people out there who'd wanna post rubbish if I just left commenting free to everyone. Do you think it'll stop you, or others, commenting by having everything screened?

And secondly, I love to cook, so would you be interested in me posting recipes?

I'll only post things that I've tried and are low cal, but obviously, if no-one's interested, I won't bother :P

So yeah, let me know!

Have a great day everyone and I'll be back with more updates later!

xoxo

Good night :)

Firstly, I just want to say hi to the people who started following me today! I hope I haven't bored you too much with my -so far- very boring posts. I'm going to write about more interesting things soon, I promise! I keep an online journal elsewhere, but this is my first public journal, so I'm not sure what to write yet really.

Anyway, today, I finished off on just under 500 calories - I had intended to have salad, but my boyfriend came home and cooked dinner before I got a say, but as I hadn't eaten all day, I didn't make too much of a fuss.

Tomorrow, I plan to have:

Breakfast: Green tea

Lunch: Muller light maybe?

Dinner: Plain salad

I say 'maybe' next to lunch because I haven't eaten lunch in what seems like forever, so I'm not sure I'll be able to face it.

Oh, and I ordered some fat burners today. I'm not sure if they'll do anything, as I've never taken these ones before but the reviews seem to be pretty good and people say they help you have the energy to spend a little longer at the gym, so if nothing else, they're worth it for that :)

I just want to shed this fat now!

Good day... so far.

It's 4pm here and so far, I've had a mug of green tea and a mug of apple tea. I put a little sugar in both, so at most, I'm on 30 calories for the day.

I've got a tonne of Uni work to do, so I haven't really done any exercise but I'm sure I can squeeze in at least 20 minutes at some point this evening. Anything is better than nothing :)

Tomorrow, I intend to spend more time exercising though. I spend so much time procrastinating on the internet, I could spend it working out and at least be achieving something.

I'll probably have a salad later, around 5.30/6ish but for now, I'm good. I really need to start drinking more water though. I never drink enough so I'm going to set that as a goal for tomorrow - drink at least 1 litre of water, not in the form of coffee or tea.

Introductions, first posts, etc

Well, I guess I should start this by introducing myself?

I'm a 21 y/o student from the UK. I've had an eating disorder, officially, since I was 15 but have at least had food issues since I was 7/8.

This blog is basically just where I'm going to pour out all my ED-related thoughts and I guess talk about my weight loss.

I'm 5'11 and currently weigh a massive 134lbs, I'm aiming to get back to my low weight (115) and then lower.

I promise my next post will be more interesting than this :P